Interesting Experience

I had an interesting experience the other day that I shared with a few people who suggested I write it down.  Let me start by saying that I don't want to take credit for anything - I was just in the right place at the right time.  I was feeling kind of down.  I was frustrated with some things in my life. Whenever I get like that too bad, I say a little prayer to be able to forget my own problems and be lead to someone who needs help.

On Thursday I prayed to be able to help somebody out.  When I went to work, I parked in a different area from where I normally park.  I don't know why I did it other than I felt like I should.  I worked all day and nothing happened.  As I was packing up to leave, I got the feeling that I should wait ten minutes, so I just sat around for a little bit before finally walking across campus to my car.  When I got there, I saw a car parked in the spot directly to the right of my truck with the hood up.  I then saw a man wandering the parking lot obviously looking for help.  I asked him what was wrong, and he told me he had left his headlights on and his battery died.  He was from Ghana and didn't know anybody in town.  I jumped his car and he left.

I was packing up my jumper cables and about to leave when a girl got in the car directly to the left of my truck.  I sat and waited for a minute as I watched her try to start her car, but it wouldn't turn over.  I got out and had her pop the hood.  Her battery cables were slightly loose and had a bit of corrosion built up on the terminals.  I cleaned them off and tightened the battery cables.  We tried to jump the car several times, and finally after about 15 minutes of charging it, the engine turned over.  She was from Salt Lake, and didn't know anybody in town who could have helped her.

There are some people who could write off this experience as coincidence, but I don't see it that way.  Why did I feel like parking in a completely different area in the morning?  Why did I feel like staying an extra ten minutes after work doing nothing?  What are the odds that the two cars on each side of my truck both needed to be jumped, and that they both returned to their cars right as I was returning to mine?  These types of experiences happen quite often when I am feeling down and I pray to be able to forget myself and help somebody.

Withdrawals

I haven't posted anything in a few months, even though I wrote several posts that I didn't publish. They were more of just things for me that I wanted to write down, but not share with anyone. Anyway, I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and I finally have some time to sit and process my thoughts.  I have had some pretty extreme experiences lately that have helped me learn and grow.

Several people have mentioned to me that they wished they had qualities that they apparently think I possess.  They say I have patience and a positive attitude during hard times.  The truth is, I try to be patient and stay positive, but I have my breakdowns like anybody else.  In fact, I sometimes think I react stronger to certain things than most people.  One thing that always gets to me is when people don't respect my time.  This last month has been a hard test in that regard because I have had a lot of experiences where I felt like people were wasting my time.  When I step back, though, and try to be more forgiving of people, I feel better about it.  I am sincerely trying to see people as Christ would see them, and remember that they are going through their own difficulties.  This is kind of starting to sound like a confession of my shortcomings, and it kind of is, but I just need to get some thoughts out of my mind and things off my chest.

I got really bogged down in October and most of November.  Work was hard, football season was rough, and a whole series of crappy things happened in one giant cluster.  I prayed hard for certain things, and I felt like my prayers went largely unanswered.  I talked with some of my friends about a few experiences in particular and they helped me through some hard times, but it was extremely difficult.

During this last year dealing with the whole cancer business and other challenges, I felt like I was receiving a lot of help and I felt an added measure of strength helping get through everything.  But recently, that feeling of strength has left me.  I feel alone.  Even though my body is in a healthier state than it has been this whole last year, I don't feel that strength anymore.  I realize that I was getting a spiritual boost that I don't have anymore, and it is hard to go through that kind of withdrawal.  The last two months have been harder for me than the last year dealing with cancer, and I know it is because the extra spiritual boost I had is dwindling.  And it's not like I am doing a lot of bad things that would cause me to feel this way.  It is just that, for whatever reason, this is my new challenge.  I have to try to get by on my own for a while after spending so much time getting huge amounts of help.  People have reminded me that men much better than myself have gone through periods where they felt alone and like God had forgotten them.  When I remember those stories I realize that God does not really leave us completely alone.  This is just a testing period and God is really just trying to mold me.  I hope I can come closer to being the man He wants me to be.

How's Your Health?

I really don't want this to come off the wrong way, but I have been starting to get a little bothered by something that happens about a dozen times per week. I see someone that I haven't seen in a week or two, and the first thing they say is, "How's your health?" I know these people are trying to show their concern and support, and I really do appreciate it, but I am starting to feel like I am being defined by health. I don't want people to look at me as someone who is sick, and I certainly don't want people to look at me and feel sorry. I don't want those things to define who I am.

I have been trying a tactic when people ask about my health where I answer quickly and then try to change the subject to something more interesting. There was a time when my health was up in the air and I didn't know how to answer when people asked. But now things are a bit more stable and I probably won't know if there is any change for 8-9 months. So just so everyone knows, here is what's up - I am no longer doing chemo, the other medicine I have been taking seems to be working so I will stay on it for another year, and I will be doing checkups every so often. That's about it.

These situations where people ask about me have caused me to reflect a lot on what I want people to think of me and what I want to define me as a person. It is pretty simple. I want people to see me as the type of person who is kind and can be counted on when needed. I know I am rough around the edges, but I hope people see that I mean well.

Not to go super religious on everyone, but one thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is how Christ spent His time during his mortal ministry. As I told someone recently, Christ spent most of His time serving others, so how do you think He wants us to live? He didn't necessarily worry about going to the synagogues on a scheduled basis or reading the Torah every day. Almost everything He did was in service to the people around Him. That's how I want to live my life, at least to a greater extent. I was talking to somebody recently who was stressing about a lot of what I consider to be minor things. My advice was to go serve somebody. Service is the best way for us to forget about our own troubles and realize there is something greater out there. I have been on the receiving end of a ton of service lately, so I feel an even greater need for me to "pay" it back.

I am grateful for my health problems because I feel like they have given me a unique perspective on life. When you go through something pretty major where things are uncertain, it is pretty easy to figure out what is truly important in life. The truth is, most of the stuff people worry about every day is actually pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. My goal is to not worry about anything too much and just focus on trying to be a little better.

Concerts

This post kind of goes along with my last post where I talked about music, but this one focuses on concerts rather than albums. I just got back from seeing the Bouncing Souls in concert and I started thinking about how many bands I have seen and met. This was the 10th time I have seen the Bouncing Souls in concert. That is tied with Bad Religion, and after next week, Coheed & Cambria for the most times I have seen a band. Also up there is Jimmy Eat World (7 times), Ignite (6 times), the Street Dogs (6 times), and interestingly enough, New Found Glory (6 times), though most of the times I saw NFG were when they were supporting another band that I had gone to see.

Yes, I go to concerts all the time. My very first concert was when I was 16 and living in Arizona. I drove down to Phoenix to see Fenix TX and Blink-182. Bad Religion played in between them, and that was a defining moment of my musical life. After Bad Religion played, I remember thinking, "this is what a real band is like." They totally put Fenix TX and Blink-182 to shame. My very next concert was later that year in Reno, and it was Bad Religion with Ignite and the Promise Ring. I felt bad for the Promise Ring because they didn't play the same type of music and some people didn't like it, but they were awesome. Ignite totally blew me away, and I became an instant fan. Bad Religion, of course, was amazing.

Along the way, I have had some interesting experiences. I have gotten in a few fist fights at concerts, I have had tons of beer spilled on me, I have had random girls cling onto me and hold me for the whole show, and I even rode in a cop car and spent most of the night in the Yuba County police station holding cell in Sacramento, CA. I have seen the transition from when you had to be very sneaky with a film camera to get photos, to everybody having cell phone cameras that you don't have to hide. The same goes for the transition from waving lighters during ballads, to now waving lit-up cell phones (which is incredibly lame, by the way, and I refuse to participate). I have met most of my musical idols, and I have even got to have extended conversations with some of them.

If you read my last post, I mentioned the Gin Blossoms being a big influence. Well, I got to chat with them for a good 30 minutes one time. Coheed is another huge influence, and I have been able to meet them many times. In September of 2010, I went up to Boise to see them, and I had a backstage pass. As it turns out, I was one of only 5 people on the list, so I got to sit down and chat with them for about 45 minutes. I had already had the chance to meet them and get autographs twice in two different cities on the 2007 Warped Tour. Then I met them twice in May 2010, and got autographs again at a meet-and-greet. So when I saw them in September of 2010, they knew who I was. Travis even mentioned how I looked like I could be his brother. I thought that was cool. Just recently I got to talk with all the guys from Ignite and they signed an album for me. I kind of stuck out because my arm was in a sling and I had the whole Grizzly Adams thing going on (plus the crowd was tiny). Then I saw Pennywise with Zoli from Ignite on vocals a few weeks later in Salt Lake. He recognized me and said, "Hey man, I just saw you in Vegas a couple weeks ago with Ignite." I know it is kind of silly, but that was so great to me.

Something that always interests me about live performances is how songs that didn't particularly stand out to me on an album will really hit me when they are performed live. I think that has a lot to do with my own emotional response, but also seeing the emotion in the performance. When I saw the Gaslight Anthem, the song that hit me the hardest was "Only Cowgirls Get the Blues," which was toward the bottom of my list of favorites of their songs from the albums. But when I saw Brian singing with such emotion, it really struck me. The same thing happened when I saw Weezer one time in Tucson. It was weird, but during one of their songs that usually doesn't do much for me emotionally, I was just struck by this feeling. It was a combination of memories of the things I was doing when I had heard the song in the past, and also the fact that I was with my best friends on a beautiful night outdoors listening to one of my favorite bands. I think hearing the artists explain the backstory of songs can add a lot of emotion too. Again with Weezer, they did a show in Vegas where they played all of the Blue Album and then all of Pinkerton. In between albums, they took a break and did a slideshow with Karl explaining everything that was going on at the time when they were working on the albums. It added a lot of depth.

Since my first show over 12 years ago, I have been to hundreds of shows and seen tons of different bands. People always ask me what concert was my favorite, or who is best in concert. To me, that is kind of like asking a mother which of her children is her favorite. However, I do think one concert in particular was so incredibly amazing that I might be able to pick it as my favorite. Back in 2009, I saw Jimmy Eat World play Clarity in its entirety, plus a huge encore of all of their best songs. There are number of reasons it was amazing. 1) It was in their hometown of Tempe, AZ, and I spent many years of my childhood in AZ. 2) It was the 10 year anniversary of Clarity. 3) They had practiced a ton, and included every little nuance that is found on the album in their live performance. It was seriously the best sounding and best performed concert I have ever seen. They even played all 16 minutes of "Goodbye Sky Harbor" with Jim looping his voice to do all of the harmony parts at the end. 4) I have extreme emotional connections to the album Clarity. 5) I was with my brothers and my best friend, and we were having the time of our lives. 6) I have a high-quality recording of the concert that I can always listen to, and one day I can show it to my kids and say, "I was there."

Music Stuff

As many of you know, I have been playing a lot of shows with my friend, Cami. We have basically been playing one show every week and it has be a ton of fun. We have encountered just about every problem you can expect from live performance situations, but it is always a good learning experience. I already have tons of experience doing live performances as I have been playing in bands for 15 years now, but this has still been a learning experience because I am a little out of my element. I usually play on electric guitar or a full drumset, but now I am playing acoustic and my cajón. My rock band has been playing so long that we can improvise hours of music without needing to practice, and we can read each other's cues to know what to do in live situations. I am starting to get to that point with Cami, but I think I still need a lot more practice. We are currently recording an album, and it is pretty exciting because I think it has a lot of potential.

Lately, I have been thinking about what got me started playing music. It was the mid '90's, and I was getting into a lot of rock bands that were not just bands that my parents listened to. I have to give my parents credit for raising me on great music like Led Zeppelin, Boston, CCR, ELO, Bad Company, Journey, etc. One of the first bands I really got into that was modern rock was the Gin Blossoms. I was living in Arizona at the time, and they were a local AZ band that was starting to break out. Then I got really into the Smashing Pumpkins when "Siamese Dream" came out. I remember listening to it when I would roll up the newspapers for my paper route. I was 11 years old then. Then Nirvana became huge and I was obsessed with them. I remember listening to "Nevermind" every day before heading off to football practice in 7th grade. I started thinking maybe I should try to learn how to play guitar. My older brother took a guitar class and asked for a guitar for Christmas that year. To my surprise, I also got an electric guitar of my very own. I had never taken a class and knew absolutely nothing about guitar. I read about how to tune and then quickly learned "Everything Zen" by Bush on Christmas morning. I am sure it sounded terrible, but I thought I was awesome.

After just playing around for a few weeks I started learning about how to read tablature, and I would practice along to songs as I listened to them. I specifically remember ditching church one Sunday and just sitting down and learning all of "Come Out and Play" by the Offspring. It was at that point that I started trying to make up my own riffs. Most of my first riffs were based off of three-chord structures that were very simple, probably because I was listening to Green Day's "Dookie" a lot in those days. If you want to learn how to play guitar, I suggest learning Green Day songs first because you can learn a whole album in about an hour without any real guitar skills.

Fast forward one year to the next Christmas. At that point, my older brother and I had been writing songs for a while and wanted to record some stuff. My younger brother got a bass guitar for Christmas that year, and my friend, Riley Trickey, got a drumset. Riley had been playing guitar for a little longer than me, so we went up to his ranch to record some songs. Since nobody played drums, I hopped on Riley's set and tried to figure out some drum beats. We recorded a handfull of songs that we thought were awesome. They were really just collections of riffs put together rather than actual songs. However, a few of those riffs became the basis for our first real songs. Since drummers are always in short supply, I decided to focus more of my attention on becoming a drummer. I still switch off between guitar and drums, and I can't say that I enjoy one more than the other because I love both.

Over the last 15 years, I have played in a number of bands spanning many genres, and I have written or helped write hundreds of songs. I have recorded the equivalent of 8 albums. I have played tons of shows ranging in size from 5 to 5,000 people. Still, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with my talents. I keep wondering if this is something that is just a hobby to keep myself occupied so I don't get into trouble, or if maybe I have songs that could somehow benefit somebody else. I honestly believe music can be a great source of inspiration and/or comfort to people in tough situations, so I wonder if maybe I have something to say that will resonate with others. Whatever the case is, I really enjoy making music, even if I am the only one who is going to hear it. So we shall see where these new musical opportunities will take me.

Almost Done (Maybe?)

As many of you know, I have been doing a chemotherapy/experimental drug treatment for the last six months through the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I now only have five days left before I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery. I am pretty stressed out and nervous about what is going to happen when they go in and check everything out because there are really only three possible outcomes: 1) the drugs worked and I am done, 2) the drugs are working and I have to stay on them for longer, or 3) the drugs didn't work and I need to take more drastic measures. Considering my mom has been battling this for 18 years, I don't the first outcome is very likely. If I have to continue this drug treatment much longer, though, I don't know if I can handle it. There are so many awful side-effects I have just become accustomed to, but I don't think I could do it for the long haul. I almost don't remember what it was like to not have constant, extreme fatigue, or constant stomach pains, or to have normal hair that isn't brittle and falling out, or to be able to wear shirts without having to soak the blood stains out every night because my chest and back are a war zone.

People keep asking what is going to happen when I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery next week. I don't even fully know. When I went in after Thanksgiving, they did a colonoscopy and an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. They digitally mapped out my entire digestive tract and cut out the biggest polyps. They are going to do the same thing next week and compare the two scans to see if there is any difference. However, if things are too bad, there is a pretty good chance I am going to have to have my colon partially or completely removed. My mom had her colon removed, and I was told that it is fairly likely that I will have to have mine removed. So I guess we will see what happens. One thing I know for sure, though, is that the prep is a bitch. I can't eat for three days, and I have to take extreme amounts of laxatives to completely clean me out. It sucks. Also, with colonoscopies that require biopsies (like mine will) there is a 1 in 200 chance of having serious complications. I think my body knows I am stressed because I have been getting white hairs in my head and beard hair like crazy lately.


People keep telling me to just put my trust in God and it will be okay. It is a lot easier to say that, though, when you are not the one having to go through the trial. The thing is, I always put my trust in God, but that doesn't mean things always work out. Just look at the numerous examples in scripture where good people put their trust in God and horrible things happen to them. This is the whole idea of a trial by fire. The people who made it through those trials usually went on to do great things, but that doesn't mean everything was okay. I am not saying I am like the great men from the scriptures, I am just saying that putting your trust in God doesn't necessarily mean things will be okay. That being said, having trust in God does make the hard trials more tolerable because you believe there is a purpose behind your suffering. If I didn't trust in God, I don't know what I would do. I believe everything I am going through is somehow making me a better person, but like I said, that doesn't mean everything is going to be okay. That probably sounds pessimistic, but I am just trying to be realistic. I do know that this whole experience has humbled me more and brought me closer to God. It has also taught me that there are a lot of good people in this world who can do amazing things when given the chance to help somebody like me. I feel more in tune with other people's suffering, and I am more compassionate toward those who are going through hard times. Hopefully I am a little better than I was before, and if I am, my trials are worth it. I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while. 

The Temple

Those of my friends who are LDS will understand this, but my non-LDS friends probably won’t understand what I am talking about.  I went through the temple for the first time to get my Endowments on May 4th in the Reno, Nevada temple.  It was a great experience, and I am so glad I could finally do it.  My mom, my grandparents on my mom’s side, and my older brother all went with me.  It was also special because I got to use some of my great-grandpa’s temple clothing.  I got my middle name from him, so it was pretty cool to use his stuff.

Since I can’t write about specific things, I wanted to just write down my overall feelings.  Obviously it was a spiritual experience and I felt a great peace the whole time I was there, but one thing stood out to me.  The whole time I kept having this feeling that I am capable of great things, and really, the only issues stopping me from doing great things are my own reservations.  I am a very mellow, easy-going person, so I often don’t do certain things because it seems arrogant.  I realized, though, that I can do things with confidence without it seeming pompous.  One area in particular that was mentioned in the session was talents.  I have a lot of unique talents that not very many people know about, and that is because I don’t want to seem like I am being a show-off.  I am going to start working on developing my talents more and using them to benefit others.

Since I have been back in Utah, I also went through a session at the Provo temple with a good friend.  It was great too, but I felt a little different from how I felt in Reno.  It was nice since I was a little more familiar with what happens, but it also seemed a lot more busy and crowded.  The Reno temple is very small, and only about 15 people went through with us.  They only do sessions every 90 minutes.  Compare that to Provo, where they do sessions every 20 minutes in multiple rooms, with 60-80 people in each room.  It was still very peaceful, but overall it seemed a little less personal.  I am just glad I could go through for the first time in Reno rather than Provo because it was so much more intimate.  I plan on going back regularly, and I am sure it will learn a lot more the more often I go.

Lots Of New Experiences

I have had a lot of pretty significant experiences over the last month, so I thought I would take a moment to reflect on what I learned.  I guess I will start with the first experience since my last post and work forward chronologically.

First, I hyperextended my elbow snowboarding in Tahoe 3 weeks ago.  Luckily, it was at the end of the day, but it hurt like a mother.  It is still healing up and it has really hindered my ability to work and play.  I have broken 31 bones and had many more sprains, dislocations, etc., so I have experience being temporarily handicapped, but it is such a pain trying to do everyday activities.  Lesson learned:  I am not a young man anymore, so I should probably slow down and not do crazy things as much.  It has also made me very grateful to have functioning limbs most of the time.  I love to play guitar and drums, which I haven’t been able to do with my arm hurt.  I am just happy it is only temporary because I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t play instruments or do outdoor things that I love doing.

Second, I have been working on a music video for a rap artist in Reno, and I showed him the final product while I was out visiting family.  He absolutely loved the video and was jumping up and down and shouting while watching it because he was so excited.  It made me realize that I love doing film projects and I should be more ambitious about trying to step up my film productions. 

Third, I was in Denver for a conference for my new job.  I am working at BYU, but there were people from all over the country at the conference and I was one of two LDS people out of 200+.  During the sessions, almost everybody was watching the clock, waiting for the next break so they could go smoke a cigarette.  Then, as soon as the day’s sessions were over, they would all go to the lobby bar and get hammered.  It made me realize how grateful I am to not be dependent on substances to try to make me happy.  I am not saying that people who smoke and drink are bad people, but I could see how they have become slaves to their addictions.  Several people gave me a hard time for not going along with everyone else to drink and smoke, and some kept pushing me to try a drink, but I stood my ground.  I told them I like being in total control of myself and by using substances, I would not be in total control of myself.  By the end of the week, I had actually earned the respect of some of the people who had previously been giving me a hard time.  I learned that it is important to stand firm in your beliefs, even if you stand alone.  It sounds cliché, but if I had given in to peer pressure, nobody would have respected me or my beliefs.

Fourth, my new job is giving me some really great opportunities to not only do what I love, but to help others find the joy I find in expressing myself through the arts.  The position I have is fairly unique and it was actually created just for me to cater to my skills and experience.  The group I work with puts together conferences for teachers to come learn new art concepts/techniques and implement them in their classrooms.  Since I have a background in media arts, that is my main area of focus.  The idea is that these teachers will then focus more on molding a “whole” student rather than just focusing on the core curriculum and teaching to the test.  The teachers who have been implementing more art activities in their classrooms have seen, on average, a 40% rise in students’ standardized test scores.  It just goes to show that art and expression are important in creating a “whole” person.  I hope that when I have children, I will be able to create an environment that encourages them to express themselves.  It also made me realize that I need to keep up my artistic pursuits and finish some of my projects that have been sitting half-finished for a long time. 

I am very grateful I have had all of these experiences in such rapid succession.  I have been pretty busy lately, but I have learned a lot.  My hope is that I will be able to remember what I have learned and keep adding to it. 

Thoughts on Conference

For those of my friends who are not LDS, my church had General Conference this weekend, which is where leaders of my church give guidance to the members. I don't really like to use social media for religious stuff, and I am not trying to convert anyone, but I had some thoughts about what I heard over the last two days.

Everybody hears different messages from conference - usually what they need to work on - and every talk can be quite personal if you allow it to be. A lot of what I took from conference was that we all can work a little harder at being the best we can be, but we are not alone. One talk that hit me kind of hard was by Ronald A. Rasband, in which he talked about physical afflictions. I have to admit, I got a little teary-eyed when he was talking about his grandchild who was born with severe physical defects.

Obviously I am going through some physical afflictions, so I paid more attention. He said, "A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames." I don't think I necessarily fit into the "sweetest spirits" category, but I do think my physical afflictions have helped me take a different perspective on life. I can see how everything is working together to try to make me a better version of myself.

Another talk that stuck out was by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He basically talked about how we should not judge others and how we should be more forgiving. A memorable quote was from a bumper sticker that said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently from you." Unfortunately, Utah has a lot of really judgmental people. It was one of the first things I noticed when I moved here, and I have also heard that from a lot of other people who move to Utah. My whole thought on the matter is that we all have different trials, so why should we judge somebody when we have no idea what they are going through? To quote a song by the punk band the Street Dogs, "Nobody knows the shape of other men. He could be looking well but his life is a living hell."

The final talk I will mention was by Henry B. Eyring. He talked about trials, and how challenges give us experience and build faith. Again, this talk stood out to me because I am going through some pretty big trials right now. A quote I remember is, "Lord, give me mountains to climb." I feel like I am climbing some mountains, but I can see how my challenges are helping me. He also talked about how personal integrity should be at the foundation of our character and faith.

This got me thinking about how rare integrity is in the world today. Most of the political leaders and leaders of big companies are incredibly corrupt. But I was also thinking about how little actions can add to or take away from our integrity. For example, I constantly have people tell me they will be to an activity, but then they are either really late or they don't show up at all. I have always tried to be the type of person that can be counted on for anything. When I say I am going to do something, I want people to know that I will actually do it and that I will be on time to do it. It used to be a social norm that a person's word was his bond, and to question a person's word was a very big deal. Unfortunately, we now live in a society where people say a lot of things, but don't back up their words with action.

Anyway, those are just my first thoughts after General Conference. I didn't consult any notes or anything, so I might get something different out of the talks when I listen to/read them again. That is the great thing, though. The messages are both universal and personal, and you can get something new out of every talk when you visit it again later.

Random Musings

There are a few random things I have been thinking about a lot lately, I guess because of interactions I've had with people recently. I just think these things are kind of funny.

1. Don't you love how people with a poor dating history who get lucky and get married suddenly become "experts" on dating/marriage, and then decide to give everybody dating/marriage advice?! It is highly irritating. The people who have done this to me have always done it in a very condescending way too. They are like, "here, let me show you how to be less of a loser." I personally think that if you have been married for less than 10 years, you should never try to give marriage advice. And even then, you should rarely give dating advice.

2. When I was a teenager, people would call other people "posers" a lot. The people I would skateboard with would call those who dress like a skater, but have no skating skills, a poser. I was thinking - there are a lot of people I would call posers in regards to being a good person. These are the people who advertise themselves very noticeably to everyone else. I think of them as modern day Pharisees and Sadducees. They are everywhere in Provo. They do things like talk about how good they are, and then screw people over with their "business" that is very shady. Or they drive like a maniac and almost run you off the road, and then pull into the temple. Posers.

3. I was thinking about the economy. A lot of people have said, "I wish it was the late '90's again when everybody was rich." How quickly people forget how much they were living past their means in the '90's, which lead to the problems we are facing today. When I was in high school, the average family debt was somewhere around $50,000. When I started college, the average individual student debt was around $10,000, not counting student loans - just personal debt. That means for every person like me who had zero debt, there was someone else with twice the average. And people wonder why we are in such a mess now. Add to that the fact that this is the first time in history where we have four generations in the work force. Older people did such a crappy job of saving money that they have to keep working now. This doesn't help the younger generation any because now there are fewer jobs available. The sad part is, it is mostly the Baby-Boomer and X generations that caused the problems, but the people of Generation Y are feeling the consequences the most. In most states, the average unemployment is still around 10%, but it is close to 25% for people in the 18-30 demographic. And yet, older people still feel the need to lecture our generation about working and saving money. It is kind of a "do as I say, not as I do" situation.

4. Have you noticed how being "indie" is the popular thing? Isn't this a major contradiction? "I am so independent, I do everything that is popular." First of all, the term "indie" at one point referred to bands that released music independent of a major label. Now, most "indie" bands are on a major label. "Indie" also refers to a style, usually marked by lack of hygiene, wearing tight pants, v-neck shirts, beanies, and listening to awful music. If you want to see what "indie" is, go to Velour in Provo on any given night. Everybody looks the same, and all of the bands sound the same. The bands don't even use distinct choruses or melodies in their songs - I guess because they are too cool for music theory.

5. I don't understand party loyalty in politics. Both major parties have become very corrupt, and people within a party don't even hold the same stance on issues as other people in the same party. The two parties basically get people to fight over smaller issues, which distracts everybody from seeing how badly politicians are screwing over the country.

All of these random thoughts have kind of got me thinking, where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?

Bucket List

So, I was kind of forced into going to a counselor after all of this cancer business. I feel like I have been handling everything pretty well, but some people thought a few sessions of counseling would help. So I went. During my last session, my counselor talked about "ambiguous loss" where people grieve over things that are uncertain (such as a kidnapped person or a soldier M.I.A.). He said my situation could fit into that category because my future is pretty ambiguous right now. All I know is that I have a ton of polyps throughout my entire digestive tract, but I don't know if the drugs I am currently taking will stop their growth, or if things could get out of control quickly. I don't know, and the doctors don't really know a lot just yet.

Even though my type of cancer is pretty treatable and I don't expect to die anytime soon, my counselor suggested making a "bucket list" just to give me some things to think about and goals to work toward. I immediately thought of the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray makes a bucket list that consists of eating things he has never eaten before, and then the goal to "never throw up again." I have been thinking about things, and here is what I have come up with so far:

1. Get married and have a family. I know this sounds cliché, but that honestly is my biggest goal right now. Like I said, I am not expecting to die anytime soon, so there is no health-related reason for this to not happen. I still go on dates quite often, too, I just haven't found the right girl yet. So the main goal on my list is also the hardest to achieve.

2. Advance in my career(s). I do a lot of different things for work, and I haven't exactly narrowed anything down to a career, but I could see myself being successful in a lot of different areas. I have had success with making films/commercials/videos. I have done okay with photography. I have tried a few different teaching jobs. I write and record music. The problem is, I don't know which would be best for the long term. Maybe I could continue to dabble in all of them, but make everything more consistently profitable.

3. Make a feature-length film. I have started several feature-length films, but most came to an end after issues with the lack of budget, equipment, actors, crew, etc. It is something I am very passionate about, but it is hard to make a good final product when everyone else involved is not so passionate. It is also quite expensive, and unless I found a willing producer, I would have to cover all of the costs myself.

4. Go to New Zealand, Switzerland, Ireland, Italy, and Denmark. Ever since I was a young boy, I have wanted to go to New Zealand. It just seems like such a beautiful place. The other countries on my list are places where my family is from (beautiful places too).

5. Open a concert for one of my favorite bands. This may seem far-fetched, but my band has what it takes to do it if we would all work really hard. We haven't had the whole band together for a few years, though. We have been able to hang out with a number of great bands and just chat - the Gin Blossoms, the Bouncing Souls, Ignite, the Street Dogs, Jimmy Eat World, Coheed & Cambria - but we have never played with them. I gave demo CD's to those bands too, but they don't have any say when it comes to getting signed by a label or picking who opens for them. I have played shows with semi-famous bands like the Neon Trees, but they aren't an influence on me like the other bands I mentioned.

Ok, so those were all goals that would take a ton of work and time, so I thought of some that would be easy to check off this spring/summer:

- get Endowed in my church (my last bishop said I had to wait until I was getting married, but now I am allowed to do it after the next series of Temple Prep classes)
- record a new album (I have several new songs that need to be recorded)
- go skydiving
- hike Mt. Timpanogos all the way (I've done most of it several times)
- backpack/hike in Zion National Park
- fish the Feather River with my grandpa and brothers (we do this almost every year, but we missed the last few because of my grandpa's health)
- visit Yosemite (I have lived only a couple hours away for most of my life, but I have never been)
- wrestle a bear (only slightly joking)

That's what I've come up with for now. I guess we'll see if I accomplish any of those goals soon.

Friends

I got a lot of feedback from my last post from people thinking I was talking about girls they know and people getting slightly offended. The main girl I was thinking about when I was writing that last post, though, doesn't know any of my current friends and doesn't have a facebook account, so she would not have seen it. She broke things off with me just before Valentine's, so I was dealing with some hard memories. So for everybody who thought I was venting about someone they know, that wasn't the case.

Anyway, I wanted to write about something more positive - my friends. I have the best friends in the world. Seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve such good friends, but you all are amazing. Everybody has been so good to me since I have been dealing with health issues, but everybody was really good to me before that too. I have to admit, after the experiences I had from the last two areas in Provo where I lived, I was ready to pack up and move away. I had terrible neighbors, and the people in my wards were very judgemental and unfriendly. A member of the bishopric in one of my previous wards actually tried to get my brothers and I evicted because he said we were running a business from our home without proper licensing.

So I found a place up Provo Canyon, hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with people as much. I was mostly inactive in my ward for the first year that I lived here. But then, people started doing nice things for me for no reason. I started going to some of the activities and getting to know people. Soon I realized that I was missing out, became active again, and made a whole bunch of friends. Everybody accepted me for who I was without judging me. I don't know what it is about my current ward and stake, but everybody is great. There are probably some cliques, but I haven't noticed any yet. Everyone I know is a great example to me. I think everyone in my ward and stake realizes that we are all going through hard things at the same time, and we are much better off helping each other and being friendly than being self-centered and not caring about others. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being such great friends and examples.

Why I Hate This Time Of Year

Here's a quick story: Guy likes Girl. Guy asks Girl out. Guy starts to develop a relationship with Girl. Girl says she has never been treated so well and loves spending time with Guy, but then says she doesn't want to further the relationship. Girl then goes out with Hot/Rich Guy and gets her heart broken, or worse, gets married to Hot/Rich Guy and then gets divorced a few years later. I know it sounds like a stereotype, but it has happened to me more times than I would like to admit. For a while, I thought I was doing something extremely wrong and tried everything I could think of the make things work, but the same scenario kept playing out. Then I started talking to a lot of my friends who have had similar things happen to them. They all told me the exact same story. So why does this keep happening?

I have a circle of guy friends that are all very sweet, caring, spiritual, fun guys who know how to treat women well. And yet they are all single and keep getting rejected by girls. We often sit around and talk about relationship stuff, but none of us can figure out why it never works out. Why is it that girls always say they are looking for guys like us, but then end up with jerks that treat them like crap? I am not saying all "hot" guys or rich guys are jerks, but there is a reason it is a stereotype. If a guy is most interested in building himself up, he usually doesn't make time for anything or anyone else.

I started thinking about the possibility that maybe I am asking out superficial women. I will admit that I have asked out girls based solely on looks a time or two. However, many of the girls I have gone out with are very intelligent, fun, and caring girls. So why did these girls reject me and then go out with some egotistical douche? I don't get it. What's worse, I have asked out girls that I wasn't even really interested in just because my bishop said the girl had talked to him about how she never gets asked out - and then she turned me down for a date. This has happened a few times. It turns out the girl wasn't complaining that she never gets asked out, she was complaining that she never gets asked out by "Hunky Joe".

People always tell me that eventually I will find a girl who appreciates how I treat her and loves me for who I am. Some even tell me that it is a numbers game, and I just have to keep playing. To them I say, I am 28 years old. I have been doing this for over a decade, and I always get the same results. Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. So apparently, dating=insanity. Actually, I think that is a pretty good description.

So I look at this coming Valentine's Day and think to myself, "what the #@*%?!?!" That's about all I really can do. I have done my duty as a man by asking girls out and treating them well. I put my whole heart into relationships. What more can I do? Like I said in my first post, this blog is a cathartic outlet for me - hence the bitching. I don't really have any answers to my dilemma. At least I have a bunch of friends in the same boat that can lend me support and help me realize that it isn't just me. So I will just continue being the guy I am, treating women well and putting everything I can into my relationships. Maybe someday I really will go insane.

Insomnia and Dyslexia

I am writing this at almost 5 AM. Why am I awake right now? Because I have insomnia and I don't know what else to do with the time. Insomnia and dyslexia are two things people always say they have when they can't sleep for one night or write/say something mixed up once. As a person who actually has medically diagnosed insomnia and dyslexia, it kind of bothers me when people use those terms to describe a one-time thing. I have been struggling with insomnia and dyslexia since I was an infant, and it can be quite frustrating.

When I was about 3 years old, my mother started teaching me how to read and write. She wanted me to be able to read and write before starting kindergarten, so she was always working with me. She noticed a strange pattern developing. I would start with the last letter of the last word, and starting from right to left, I would write every letter of every word backward until I got to the first letter of the first word. I was just a toddler, but I think I remember her saying, "What the hell?" Just kidding. But it was definitely strange. She kept working with me, but I kept doing the backwards thing for over a year. Then she came up with a technique where she would "write" the letters on my back so I could feel how it was supposed to be. That really helped, and soon I was reading and writing like a regular person. That's not to say that I was "cured" though.

To this day, I still find myself reverting to the backwards thing with reading and writing on occasion, especially when I get really tired. When it comes to reading, there are certain words that I always mix up. A very common mix up is "was" vs. "saw". I'll read a sentence and be confused about whether the character saw a pig, or if he was a pig. Comical, yes, but also frustrating. My composite score on the ACT was dropped significantly because I couldn't finish the Reading section. My scores in the other sections were all 31-33, but my Reading score was a 25. Like I mentioned, my dyslexia gets worse when I am tired, and I had insomnia problems the night before taking the ACT. The problems persisted through college too. Luckily, spell checkers can usually catch mix ups when I type, or else I would have been in trouble writing all of my papers late at night during college. The checkers don't catch things like "was" and "saw", though, so I would just explain away the mix up to my professors as a deeper metaphorical thing. They thought I was a genius. "Wow, you are saying the character in 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' WAS an albatross?" Genius.

Insomnia can be really frustrating too. If you have ever seen the movie "Fight Club", you know what insomnia can lead to. While I have never developed an alternate persona or blown up buildings, I am very familiar with the feeling Tyler Durden describes as never being fully awake or asleep. I often have this feeling like there is a fog in my brain, and while I am fully aware of what is going on, I feel detached from my body like I am an outside observer. My brother, Ben, has problems with insomnia too, and it is kind of funny living together. We often get up in the middle of the night and watch a movie or play video games. I have seen doctors many times trying to get help, but nothing has worked so far. I have tried going for walks, taking relaxing showers, counting backwards from 100, using muscle relaxation techniques, drugs, you name it. One thing that always helped me sleep in high school was reading "The Awakening." Every time I would start to read that damn book, I would be out in no time. I think my body knew I love irony, so it worked. Some of the drugs have helped me fall asleep, but then I can't get up when I need to. So I have just learned to live with it. I often do my video editing projects late at night because I am in a different mind set and I come up with more creative ways of doing things. I also work on writing scripts and writing songs late at night. My creativity seems to be stronger when I am tired for some reason. Of course, I always have to check what I have done the next day after I have slept to make sure it isn't completely crazy, but it usually works out. Brains are interesting things, aren't they? Anyway, this might all be incoherent rambling, so maybe I will try going back to sleep.

Washoe Fire

On Thursday, I was at home trying to recover from being sick all week. I had a 103 degree temperature, and I had not been able to keep any food or liquid down. I was sleeping into the afternoon when I was awoken by a call from my mom. I have a specific ringtone for when she calls, so I answered it expecting it to be something about making sure I get enough sleep to get better. Instead, she was crying and freaking out. She was saying, "There was a fire...I didn't have time...I didn't get the cats out..." I tried to calm her down and tried to get all of the facts so I would know what to do. She told me she was about to get in the shower when the neighbor started banging on the door yelling, "Get the hell out of there!" over and over. She ran outside and could barely see anything through the smoke. She saw one neighbor's house on fire, then another neighbor's barn almost completely burned down, and then saw flames coming from the back of her house. She ran back in to try to save her cats, but a fireman grabbed her and told her the smoke would kill her. She was forced to drive away, not knowing what would happen.

I tried to console her, and told her she did what she had to. She lives alone, so the cats are all she has to come home to at nights. I felt bad, but I said that the cats weren't important, and that I would not ever want her risking her life for some cats. I told her that if the house burned, it would still be alright - it is just a house; just stuff that can be replaced. In the back of my mind, though, I was thinking of all the precious things like photos, paintings, videos, and other things of sentimental value that would not be replaceable.

After I finished talking with her, I tried to call around to the fire and police stations in Reno and Carson City that might have information. After a few transfers, I talked to somebody who knew the neighborhood. He told me that my mom's house had burned down. I started trying to figure out a way to get out to Washoe Valley to help with clean up, and just to be there with my mom. It was the worst feeling in the world to be 600 miles away, very sick, and thus not in any shape to drive, and having no way to help. Amazingly, some very good friends were incredibly generous, and helped me pay for an expensive, last-minute plane ticket.

As I was packing, I got a call from my mom saying that a neighbor thought he saw her house still standing. He said it looked like only the back wall had caught fire, and that the firefighters had stopped the fire from spreading to the rest of the house. I was happy to hear this news, but I was also still preparing for the worst in case it wasn't true.

By the time I got to Reno, thousands of people had been evacuated and 20+ houses had burned down. From the plane, I could see massive clouds of smoke, large black areas where fields had burned, and fires still burning on the hill. My mom picked me up from the airport, and her car absolutely wreaked of smoke. The fire was only 50% contained, but snow was on the way and crews were working around the clock. Highway 395 was closed, so there was no way to get close to our house to see anything. So we waited.

At about 10 PM Friday night, Highway 395 was re-opened. However, the police were not letting anybody into the residential neighborhoods of Washoe Valley yet. At 8 AM Saturday morning, the fire was finally 100% contained and residents were being allowed to return to their neighborhoods. We immediately drove down, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Miraculously, our house was still standing. The neighbor's house 25 feet away was completely destroyed. The back wall of our house had been partially cut away with a saw to separate the burning part from the house, but the wall was still structurally sound. It was the wall that housed the breaker box, so a lot of the wiring was burned, but it was not nearly as bad as we thought. The inside didn't look very damaged, and the cats were still alive. The smoke was still so strong that I couldn't breathe very well and my eyes stung, so we didn't stay inside long. My mom took the cats and went back to my aunt's house where she is staying for now. We will obviously need to wash down everything inside, and possibly replace sheets, curtains, clothes, and other things damaged by the smoke, but that is no big deal. The wiring for the house will need to be fixed, and the back wall will need to be repaired, but overall it was not very bad.

I was very saddened to find out that the elderly lady living next door had died from smoke inhalation. There was an older couple living there, and her mother had a studio attached to the house. She was 93, and was home alone at the time of the fire. I don't know if she even knew about the fire, or if she died in her sleep. In all, the Washoe fire burned 29 homes, and caused millions of dollars in damage. It is a rural area outside Reno, so several animals died and farm lands were destroyed. An elderly man turned himself in as the one who started the fire. He disposed of fireplace ashes improperly and it got out of control with the high winds. It is all very sad, especially coming just 2 months after another fire close by that destroyed many homes. I am amazed and grateful, though, that my mom was not injured at all and that her house was not nearly as damaged as we thought. I think she had angels watching over her. I thank God for the many miracles that happened, and for the heroic firefighters who saved many people.

My Life As Of Late

This is my third attempt at starting a blog. I am not doing anything new here, I just thought it would be a good idea to write down some of my thoughts and experiences to share with others. I am sure my mom will read everything I write, but maybe a few of my friends will too, and maybe somebody will get something from reading my experiences. I also view this as a cathartic outlet where I can get things off my chest. If nothing else, many of my stories can serve as a good example of what not to do. Anyway...

The week after Thanksgiving 2011, I was scheduled to go into the Huntsman Cancer Institute for a checkup and to discuss the possibility of being on a new study. My family has a history of what is called Familial Adenomatous Polyposis (FAP), which is a genetic mutation that causes pre-cancerous polyps to grow in the intestines - mostly in the colon. Huntsman has been studying my family for many years, and my mom and grandma both had their colons removed in the early '90's. When I turned 18, I was registered as part of the genetic study at Huntsman. A simple DNA test showed that I had the gene mutation, and therefore was susceptible to colon cancer. I had already had two colonscopies prior to this last visit, and they didn't really find anything to be concerned about. My last one was in 2007, and they said because they didn't find anything, I wouldn't need another checkup for 4 to 5 years.

The purpose of my visit after Thanksgiving was to see if I could qualify to test a new set of drugs that had already shown promise in stopping cancer cell growth in lung cancer patients. To qualify, I would need to have a certain number of polyps above a certain size that they could study. They performed a colonoscopy and an esophagogastroduodenoscopy, and the results kind of caught everybody by surprise. I had hundreds of polyps throughout my entire digestive system - in my esophagus, stomach, duodenum, and colon. They cut out the polyps that fit into the most dangerous classification, but left in all of the rest to study. They mapped out my entire digestive tract very precisely so they would have a baseline to which they could compare future scope results. The whole procedure was pretty amazing to me. For those of you who don't know, Huntsman has the best doctors and best equipment in the world - and I only live 45 minutes away. That's pretty cool, if you ask me.

Needless to say, I qualified for the study. They immediately started me on the new drugs and gave me a packet of papers telling me everything I needed to know and do. To be honest, the list of side-effects was pretty scary to look at, but I figured it was better than the alternative. It took about two weeks for the first real signs of the side-effects to show. I developed a rash that looked like acne all over my head, face, neck, chest, and back. It hurt pretty bad, and it was really embarrassing going out into public looking like I did. Everything itched to the point of almost driving me insane. When I would shower, it would rip everything open and I would be bleeding all over. I couldn't sleep at night because every movement would hurt. It sucked. Luckily, the next time I went up to Huntsman they gave me a clindamycin cream, and later a hydrocortisone cream. Those two creams are the best thing ever. They are working very well, and the rash is quickly disappearing.

Other major side-effects I am currently experiencing include fatigue (like completely exhausted all the time fatigue), shortness of breath, a constant sore throat, loss of appetite (maybe a good thing), and some hair loss. All in all, though, it is tolerable. I have "safety labs" at the end of every month to make sure nothing is abnormal, but I won't really know how effective the drugs are until they do the colonoscopy and esophagogastroduodenoscopy again at the end of month six, and compare the results to the first set of scopes.

This whole experience has given me a new outlook on life, and I have come to appreciate everything I have so much more. So many people have come to my aid without being asked, and it is really quite an amazing thing to see. I only told a few close friends about what I was going through, and within a week I was being brought meals, firewood to heat my house, gifts, treats, etc. I have always been taught to be self-reliant, and I hate feeling like I am a burden to others, so it has been a little hard for me to be the focus of so much help. I don't really consider myself prideful, but this experience has given me the chance to let down some of my walls and allow others help me. I am still not totally comfortable being the center of so much attention, but I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life and the amazing things they do. I have never known a group of people more charitable, kind, and capable of greatness, than the people in my life right now. The future looks bright.