Withdrawals

I haven't posted anything in a few months, even though I wrote several posts that I didn't publish. They were more of just things for me that I wanted to write down, but not share with anyone. Anyway, I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and I finally have some time to sit and process my thoughts.  I have had some pretty extreme experiences lately that have helped me learn and grow.

Several people have mentioned to me that they wished they had qualities that they apparently think I possess.  They say I have patience and a positive attitude during hard times.  The truth is, I try to be patient and stay positive, but I have my breakdowns like anybody else.  In fact, I sometimes think I react stronger to certain things than most people.  One thing that always gets to me is when people don't respect my time.  This last month has been a hard test in that regard because I have had a lot of experiences where I felt like people were wasting my time.  When I step back, though, and try to be more forgiving of people, I feel better about it.  I am sincerely trying to see people as Christ would see them, and remember that they are going through their own difficulties.  This is kind of starting to sound like a confession of my shortcomings, and it kind of is, but I just need to get some thoughts out of my mind and things off my chest.

I got really bogged down in October and most of November.  Work was hard, football season was rough, and a whole series of crappy things happened in one giant cluster.  I prayed hard for certain things, and I felt like my prayers went largely unanswered.  I talked with some of my friends about a few experiences in particular and they helped me through some hard times, but it was extremely difficult.

During this last year dealing with the whole cancer business and other challenges, I felt like I was receiving a lot of help and I felt an added measure of strength helping get through everything.  But recently, that feeling of strength has left me.  I feel alone.  Even though my body is in a healthier state than it has been this whole last year, I don't feel that strength anymore.  I realize that I was getting a spiritual boost that I don't have anymore, and it is hard to go through that kind of withdrawal.  The last two months have been harder for me than the last year dealing with cancer, and I know it is because the extra spiritual boost I had is dwindling.  And it's not like I am doing a lot of bad things that would cause me to feel this way.  It is just that, for whatever reason, this is my new challenge.  I have to try to get by on my own for a while after spending so much time getting huge amounts of help.  People have reminded me that men much better than myself have gone through periods where they felt alone and like God had forgotten them.  When I remember those stories I realize that God does not really leave us completely alone.  This is just a testing period and God is really just trying to mold me.  I hope I can come closer to being the man He wants me to be.