As many of you know, I have been doing a chemotherapy/experimental drug treatment for the last six months through the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I now only have five days left before I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery. I am pretty stressed out and nervous about what is going to happen when they go in and check everything out because there are really only three possible outcomes: 1) the drugs worked and I am done, 2) the drugs are working and I have to stay on them for longer, or 3) the drugs didn't work and I need to take more drastic measures. Considering my mom has been battling this for 18 years, I don't the first outcome is very likely. If I have to continue this drug treatment much longer, though, I don't know if I can handle it. There are so many awful side-effects I have just become accustomed to, but I don't think I could do it for the long haul. I almost don't remember what it was like to not have constant, extreme fatigue, or constant stomach pains, or to have normal hair that isn't brittle and falling out, or to be able to wear shirts without having to soak the blood stains out every night because my chest and back are a war zone.
People keep asking what is going to happen when I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery next week. I don't even fully know. When I went in after Thanksgiving, they did a colonoscopy and an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. They digitally mapped out my entire digestive tract and cut out the biggest polyps. They are going to do the same thing next week and compare the two scans to see if there is any difference. However, if things are too bad, there is a pretty good chance I am going to have to have my colon partially or completely removed. My mom had her colon removed, and I was told that it is fairly likely that I will have to have mine removed. So I guess we will see what happens. One thing I know for sure, though, is that the prep is a bitch. I can't eat for three days, and I have to take extreme amounts of laxatives to completely clean me out. It sucks. Also, with colonoscopies that require biopsies (like mine will) there is a 1 in 200 chance of having serious complications. I think my body knows I am stressed because I have been getting white hairs in my head and beard hair like crazy lately.
People keep telling me to just put my trust in God and it will be okay. It is a lot easier to say that, though, when you are not the one having to go through the trial. The thing is, I always put my trust in God, but that doesn't mean things always work out. Just look at the numerous examples in scripture where good people put their trust in God and horrible things happen to them. This is the whole idea of a trial by fire. The people who made it through those trials usually went on to do great things, but that doesn't mean everything was okay. I am not saying I am like the great men from the scriptures, I am just saying that putting your trust in God doesn't necessarily mean things will be okay. That being said, having trust in God does make the hard trials more tolerable because you believe there is a purpose behind your suffering. If I didn't trust in God, I don't know what I would do. I believe everything I am going through is somehow making me a better person, but like I said, that doesn't mean everything is going to be okay. That probably sounds pessimistic, but I am just trying to be realistic. I do know that this whole experience has humbled me more and brought me closer to God. It has also taught me that there are a lot of good people in this world who can do amazing things when given the chance to help somebody like me. I feel more in tune with other people's suffering, and I am more compassionate toward those who are going through hard times. Hopefully I am a little better than I was before, and if I am, my trials are worth it. I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while.
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