Almost Done (Maybe?)

As many of you know, I have been doing a chemotherapy/experimental drug treatment for the last six months through the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I now only have five days left before I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery. I am pretty stressed out and nervous about what is going to happen when they go in and check everything out because there are really only three possible outcomes: 1) the drugs worked and I am done, 2) the drugs are working and I have to stay on them for longer, or 3) the drugs didn't work and I need to take more drastic measures. Considering my mom has been battling this for 18 years, I don't the first outcome is very likely. If I have to continue this drug treatment much longer, though, I don't know if I can handle it. There are so many awful side-effects I have just become accustomed to, but I don't think I could do it for the long haul. I almost don't remember what it was like to not have constant, extreme fatigue, or constant stomach pains, or to have normal hair that isn't brittle and falling out, or to be able to wear shirts without having to soak the blood stains out every night because my chest and back are a war zone.

People keep asking what is going to happen when I go in for my scopes/scans/surgery next week. I don't even fully know. When I went in after Thanksgiving, they did a colonoscopy and an esophagogastroduodenoscopy. They digitally mapped out my entire digestive tract and cut out the biggest polyps. They are going to do the same thing next week and compare the two scans to see if there is any difference. However, if things are too bad, there is a pretty good chance I am going to have to have my colon partially or completely removed. My mom had her colon removed, and I was told that it is fairly likely that I will have to have mine removed. So I guess we will see what happens. One thing I know for sure, though, is that the prep is a bitch. I can't eat for three days, and I have to take extreme amounts of laxatives to completely clean me out. It sucks. Also, with colonoscopies that require biopsies (like mine will) there is a 1 in 200 chance of having serious complications. I think my body knows I am stressed because I have been getting white hairs in my head and beard hair like crazy lately.


People keep telling me to just put my trust in God and it will be okay. It is a lot easier to say that, though, when you are not the one having to go through the trial. The thing is, I always put my trust in God, but that doesn't mean things always work out. Just look at the numerous examples in scripture where good people put their trust in God and horrible things happen to them. This is the whole idea of a trial by fire. The people who made it through those trials usually went on to do great things, but that doesn't mean everything was okay. I am not saying I am like the great men from the scriptures, I am just saying that putting your trust in God doesn't necessarily mean things will be okay. That being said, having trust in God does make the hard trials more tolerable because you believe there is a purpose behind your suffering. If I didn't trust in God, I don't know what I would do. I believe everything I am going through is somehow making me a better person, but like I said, that doesn't mean everything is going to be okay. That probably sounds pessimistic, but I am just trying to be realistic. I do know that this whole experience has humbled me more and brought me closer to God. It has also taught me that there are a lot of good people in this world who can do amazing things when given the chance to help somebody like me. I feel more in tune with other people's suffering, and I am more compassionate toward those who are going through hard times. Hopefully I am a little better than I was before, and if I am, my trials are worth it. I just have to remind myself of that every once in a while. 

The Temple

Those of my friends who are LDS will understand this, but my non-LDS friends probably won’t understand what I am talking about.  I went through the temple for the first time to get my Endowments on May 4th in the Reno, Nevada temple.  It was a great experience, and I am so glad I could finally do it.  My mom, my grandparents on my mom’s side, and my older brother all went with me.  It was also special because I got to use some of my great-grandpa’s temple clothing.  I got my middle name from him, so it was pretty cool to use his stuff.

Since I can’t write about specific things, I wanted to just write down my overall feelings.  Obviously it was a spiritual experience and I felt a great peace the whole time I was there, but one thing stood out to me.  The whole time I kept having this feeling that I am capable of great things, and really, the only issues stopping me from doing great things are my own reservations.  I am a very mellow, easy-going person, so I often don’t do certain things because it seems arrogant.  I realized, though, that I can do things with confidence without it seeming pompous.  One area in particular that was mentioned in the session was talents.  I have a lot of unique talents that not very many people know about, and that is because I don’t want to seem like I am being a show-off.  I am going to start working on developing my talents more and using them to benefit others.

Since I have been back in Utah, I also went through a session at the Provo temple with a good friend.  It was great too, but I felt a little different from how I felt in Reno.  It was nice since I was a little more familiar with what happens, but it also seemed a lot more busy and crowded.  The Reno temple is very small, and only about 15 people went through with us.  They only do sessions every 90 minutes.  Compare that to Provo, where they do sessions every 20 minutes in multiple rooms, with 60-80 people in each room.  It was still very peaceful, but overall it seemed a little less personal.  I am just glad I could go through for the first time in Reno rather than Provo because it was so much more intimate.  I plan on going back regularly, and I am sure it will learn a lot more the more often I go.

Lots Of New Experiences

I have had a lot of pretty significant experiences over the last month, so I thought I would take a moment to reflect on what I learned.  I guess I will start with the first experience since my last post and work forward chronologically.

First, I hyperextended my elbow snowboarding in Tahoe 3 weeks ago.  Luckily, it was at the end of the day, but it hurt like a mother.  It is still healing up and it has really hindered my ability to work and play.  I have broken 31 bones and had many more sprains, dislocations, etc., so I have experience being temporarily handicapped, but it is such a pain trying to do everyday activities.  Lesson learned:  I am not a young man anymore, so I should probably slow down and not do crazy things as much.  It has also made me very grateful to have functioning limbs most of the time.  I love to play guitar and drums, which I haven’t been able to do with my arm hurt.  I am just happy it is only temporary because I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t play instruments or do outdoor things that I love doing.

Second, I have been working on a music video for a rap artist in Reno, and I showed him the final product while I was out visiting family.  He absolutely loved the video and was jumping up and down and shouting while watching it because he was so excited.  It made me realize that I love doing film projects and I should be more ambitious about trying to step up my film productions. 

Third, I was in Denver for a conference for my new job.  I am working at BYU, but there were people from all over the country at the conference and I was one of two LDS people out of 200+.  During the sessions, almost everybody was watching the clock, waiting for the next break so they could go smoke a cigarette.  Then, as soon as the day’s sessions were over, they would all go to the lobby bar and get hammered.  It made me realize how grateful I am to not be dependent on substances to try to make me happy.  I am not saying that people who smoke and drink are bad people, but I could see how they have become slaves to their addictions.  Several people gave me a hard time for not going along with everyone else to drink and smoke, and some kept pushing me to try a drink, but I stood my ground.  I told them I like being in total control of myself and by using substances, I would not be in total control of myself.  By the end of the week, I had actually earned the respect of some of the people who had previously been giving me a hard time.  I learned that it is important to stand firm in your beliefs, even if you stand alone.  It sounds cliché, but if I had given in to peer pressure, nobody would have respected me or my beliefs.

Fourth, my new job is giving me some really great opportunities to not only do what I love, but to help others find the joy I find in expressing myself through the arts.  The position I have is fairly unique and it was actually created just for me to cater to my skills and experience.  The group I work with puts together conferences for teachers to come learn new art concepts/techniques and implement them in their classrooms.  Since I have a background in media arts, that is my main area of focus.  The idea is that these teachers will then focus more on molding a “whole” student rather than just focusing on the core curriculum and teaching to the test.  The teachers who have been implementing more art activities in their classrooms have seen, on average, a 40% rise in students’ standardized test scores.  It just goes to show that art and expression are important in creating a “whole” person.  I hope that when I have children, I will be able to create an environment that encourages them to express themselves.  It also made me realize that I need to keep up my artistic pursuits and finish some of my projects that have been sitting half-finished for a long time. 

I am very grateful I have had all of these experiences in such rapid succession.  I have been pretty busy lately, but I have learned a lot.  My hope is that I will be able to remember what I have learned and keep adding to it. 

Thoughts on Conference

For those of my friends who are not LDS, my church had General Conference this weekend, which is where leaders of my church give guidance to the members. I don't really like to use social media for religious stuff, and I am not trying to convert anyone, but I had some thoughts about what I heard over the last two days.

Everybody hears different messages from conference - usually what they need to work on - and every talk can be quite personal if you allow it to be. A lot of what I took from conference was that we all can work a little harder at being the best we can be, but we are not alone. One talk that hit me kind of hard was by Ronald A. Rasband, in which he talked about physical afflictions. I have to admit, I got a little teary-eyed when he was talking about his grandchild who was born with severe physical defects.

Obviously I am going through some physical afflictions, so I paid more attention. He said, "A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames." I don't think I necessarily fit into the "sweetest spirits" category, but I do think my physical afflictions have helped me take a different perspective on life. I can see how everything is working together to try to make me a better version of myself.

Another talk that stuck out was by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He basically talked about how we should not judge others and how we should be more forgiving. A memorable quote was from a bumper sticker that said, "Don't judge me because I sin differently from you." Unfortunately, Utah has a lot of really judgmental people. It was one of the first things I noticed when I moved here, and I have also heard that from a lot of other people who move to Utah. My whole thought on the matter is that we all have different trials, so why should we judge somebody when we have no idea what they are going through? To quote a song by the punk band the Street Dogs, "Nobody knows the shape of other men. He could be looking well but his life is a living hell."

The final talk I will mention was by Henry B. Eyring. He talked about trials, and how challenges give us experience and build faith. Again, this talk stood out to me because I am going through some pretty big trials right now. A quote I remember is, "Lord, give me mountains to climb." I feel like I am climbing some mountains, but I can see how my challenges are helping me. He also talked about how personal integrity should be at the foundation of our character and faith.

This got me thinking about how rare integrity is in the world today. Most of the political leaders and leaders of big companies are incredibly corrupt. But I was also thinking about how little actions can add to or take away from our integrity. For example, I constantly have people tell me they will be to an activity, but then they are either really late or they don't show up at all. I have always tried to be the type of person that can be counted on for anything. When I say I am going to do something, I want people to know that I will actually do it and that I will be on time to do it. It used to be a social norm that a person's word was his bond, and to question a person's word was a very big deal. Unfortunately, we now live in a society where people say a lot of things, but don't back up their words with action.

Anyway, those are just my first thoughts after General Conference. I didn't consult any notes or anything, so I might get something different out of the talks when I listen to/read them again. That is the great thing, though. The messages are both universal and personal, and you can get something new out of every talk when you visit it again later.

Random Musings

There are a few random things I have been thinking about a lot lately, I guess because of interactions I've had with people recently. I just think these things are kind of funny.

1. Don't you love how people with a poor dating history who get lucky and get married suddenly become "experts" on dating/marriage, and then decide to give everybody dating/marriage advice?! It is highly irritating. The people who have done this to me have always done it in a very condescending way too. They are like, "here, let me show you how to be less of a loser." I personally think that if you have been married for less than 10 years, you should never try to give marriage advice. And even then, you should rarely give dating advice.

2. When I was a teenager, people would call other people "posers" a lot. The people I would skateboard with would call those who dress like a skater, but have no skating skills, a poser. I was thinking - there are a lot of people I would call posers in regards to being a good person. These are the people who advertise themselves very noticeably to everyone else. I think of them as modern day Pharisees and Sadducees. They are everywhere in Provo. They do things like talk about how good they are, and then screw people over with their "business" that is very shady. Or they drive like a maniac and almost run you off the road, and then pull into the temple. Posers.

3. I was thinking about the economy. A lot of people have said, "I wish it was the late '90's again when everybody was rich." How quickly people forget how much they were living past their means in the '90's, which lead to the problems we are facing today. When I was in high school, the average family debt was somewhere around $50,000. When I started college, the average individual student debt was around $10,000, not counting student loans - just personal debt. That means for every person like me who had zero debt, there was someone else with twice the average. And people wonder why we are in such a mess now. Add to that the fact that this is the first time in history where we have four generations in the work force. Older people did such a crappy job of saving money that they have to keep working now. This doesn't help the younger generation any because now there are fewer jobs available. The sad part is, it is mostly the Baby-Boomer and X generations that caused the problems, but the people of Generation Y are feeling the consequences the most. In most states, the average unemployment is still around 10%, but it is close to 25% for people in the 18-30 demographic. And yet, older people still feel the need to lecture our generation about working and saving money. It is kind of a "do as I say, not as I do" situation.

4. Have you noticed how being "indie" is the popular thing? Isn't this a major contradiction? "I am so independent, I do everything that is popular." First of all, the term "indie" at one point referred to bands that released music independent of a major label. Now, most "indie" bands are on a major label. "Indie" also refers to a style, usually marked by lack of hygiene, wearing tight pants, v-neck shirts, beanies, and listening to awful music. If you want to see what "indie" is, go to Velour in Provo on any given night. Everybody looks the same, and all of the bands sound the same. The bands don't even use distinct choruses or melodies in their songs - I guess because they are too cool for music theory.

5. I don't understand party loyalty in politics. Both major parties have become very corrupt, and people within a party don't even hold the same stance on issues as other people in the same party. The two parties basically get people to fight over smaller issues, which distracts everybody from seeing how badly politicians are screwing over the country.

All of these random thoughts have kind of got me thinking, where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?

Bucket List

So, I was kind of forced into going to a counselor after all of this cancer business. I feel like I have been handling everything pretty well, but some people thought a few sessions of counseling would help. So I went. During my last session, my counselor talked about "ambiguous loss" where people grieve over things that are uncertain (such as a kidnapped person or a soldier M.I.A.). He said my situation could fit into that category because my future is pretty ambiguous right now. All I know is that I have a ton of polyps throughout my entire digestive tract, but I don't know if the drugs I am currently taking will stop their growth, or if things could get out of control quickly. I don't know, and the doctors don't really know a lot just yet.

Even though my type of cancer is pretty treatable and I don't expect to die anytime soon, my counselor suggested making a "bucket list" just to give me some things to think about and goals to work toward. I immediately thought of the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray makes a bucket list that consists of eating things he has never eaten before, and then the goal to "never throw up again." I have been thinking about things, and here is what I have come up with so far:

1. Get married and have a family. I know this sounds cliché, but that honestly is my biggest goal right now. Like I said, I am not expecting to die anytime soon, so there is no health-related reason for this to not happen. I still go on dates quite often, too, I just haven't found the right girl yet. So the main goal on my list is also the hardest to achieve.

2. Advance in my career(s). I do a lot of different things for work, and I haven't exactly narrowed anything down to a career, but I could see myself being successful in a lot of different areas. I have had success with making films/commercials/videos. I have done okay with photography. I have tried a few different teaching jobs. I write and record music. The problem is, I don't know which would be best for the long term. Maybe I could continue to dabble in all of them, but make everything more consistently profitable.

3. Make a feature-length film. I have started several feature-length films, but most came to an end after issues with the lack of budget, equipment, actors, crew, etc. It is something I am very passionate about, but it is hard to make a good final product when everyone else involved is not so passionate. It is also quite expensive, and unless I found a willing producer, I would have to cover all of the costs myself.

4. Go to New Zealand, Switzerland, Ireland, Italy, and Denmark. Ever since I was a young boy, I have wanted to go to New Zealand. It just seems like such a beautiful place. The other countries on my list are places where my family is from (beautiful places too).

5. Open a concert for one of my favorite bands. This may seem far-fetched, but my band has what it takes to do it if we would all work really hard. We haven't had the whole band together for a few years, though. We have been able to hang out with a number of great bands and just chat - the Gin Blossoms, the Bouncing Souls, Ignite, the Street Dogs, Jimmy Eat World, Coheed & Cambria - but we have never played with them. I gave demo CD's to those bands too, but they don't have any say when it comes to getting signed by a label or picking who opens for them. I have played shows with semi-famous bands like the Neon Trees, but they aren't an influence on me like the other bands I mentioned.

Ok, so those were all goals that would take a ton of work and time, so I thought of some that would be easy to check off this spring/summer:

- get Endowed in my church (my last bishop said I had to wait until I was getting married, but now I am allowed to do it after the next series of Temple Prep classes)
- record a new album (I have several new songs that need to be recorded)
- go skydiving
- hike Mt. Timpanogos all the way (I've done most of it several times)
- backpack/hike in Zion National Park
- fish the Feather River with my grandpa and brothers (we do this almost every year, but we missed the last few because of my grandpa's health)
- visit Yosemite (I have lived only a couple hours away for most of my life, but I have never been)
- wrestle a bear (only slightly joking)

That's what I've come up with for now. I guess we'll see if I accomplish any of those goals soon.

Friends

I got a lot of feedback from my last post from people thinking I was talking about girls they know and people getting slightly offended. The main girl I was thinking about when I was writing that last post, though, doesn't know any of my current friends and doesn't have a facebook account, so she would not have seen it. She broke things off with me just before Valentine's, so I was dealing with some hard memories. So for everybody who thought I was venting about someone they know, that wasn't the case.

Anyway, I wanted to write about something more positive - my friends. I have the best friends in the world. Seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve such good friends, but you all are amazing. Everybody has been so good to me since I have been dealing with health issues, but everybody was really good to me before that too. I have to admit, after the experiences I had from the last two areas in Provo where I lived, I was ready to pack up and move away. I had terrible neighbors, and the people in my wards were very judgemental and unfriendly. A member of the bishopric in one of my previous wards actually tried to get my brothers and I evicted because he said we were running a business from our home without proper licensing.

So I found a place up Provo Canyon, hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with people as much. I was mostly inactive in my ward for the first year that I lived here. But then, people started doing nice things for me for no reason. I started going to some of the activities and getting to know people. Soon I realized that I was missing out, became active again, and made a whole bunch of friends. Everybody accepted me for who I was without judging me. I don't know what it is about my current ward and stake, but everybody is great. There are probably some cliques, but I haven't noticed any yet. Everyone I know is a great example to me. I think everyone in my ward and stake realizes that we are all going through hard things at the same time, and we are much better off helping each other and being friendly than being self-centered and not caring about others. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for being such great friends and examples.